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Anyone who’s a chef, who loves food, ultimately knows that all that matters is: ‘Is it good? Does it give pleasure?’

-Anthony Bourdain

The Green Baker’s initial mission was to bring the recreational, medicinal and social use of cannabis into the mainstream by way to FOOD. Food is the one thing we can all agree on whether we are on the left or the right of the debate of the use of cannabis, it is no denying that when anyone offers you good food there is no divide.

Food and I have had a varied and sometimes torrid love affair. I can remember from my earliest memories food always being a central and intrinsically part of my life. I grew up with a grandmother with southern roots in a melting pot of a city, NYC. So it made for some interesting food options; from the bean pies and fried fish up in Harlem; to the slices I shared with my granddad when we would go on our bargain shopping trips in Manhattan. Food was always there and GOOD food at that! Ha!

My grandmother would make her delicious coconut cake and steamed cabbage with fried chicken for Sunday after church dinners (we were Baptist so all that black hymn ‘sanging’ made you REALLY hungry). She would force me to eat the wet soggy vegetable and after much chagrin I would just so I could get to that heavenly coconut cake (maybe that is where my coconut obsession is rooted) Because of this I have never really been fond of cabbage, but after my own culinary training I have struck a happy balance with this veggie (mostly because of bacon) and now I can tolerate it. Desserts were always the shiny prize, the reward for adult-ing and getting through the soggy mess of the day that is life sometimes.

Now in my current version of my love affair with food, I am trying to find a happy balance. I am a true lover of food so being a phat gurl I knew that restricting and ‘punishing’ myself for this love would never work. I am a fan of things that bond that unite and food is just one of those things. My faith is so strong that I made my whole career around that belief, I had to not only reframe how I looked at food but how I could consume the things I loved in a healthier way.

When it came time to decide how to navigate the cannabis ingestion medium I knew that SWEETS were where it was at! What a better way to reward ourselves for getting through a difficult day and to feel good then with a decadent chocolate brownie or cookie laced with that good ole MaryJane? And not to mention the possibilities were endless; from chocolates and candies to cakes and pies, my culinary wheels were spinning from the beginning.

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Sweets nowadays are not just for the kids (or the inner kids) in our lives, with the advent of such great alternate sweeteners so readily available in our local grocery stores; it has been fun experimenting and trying out how to put a new school spin on some great classics like carrot cake, chocolate chip cookies, banana bread and others. So i take the things that collectively unite us and with my magical unicorn culinary powers I make them healthier and more balanced to fit into a proportional eating habit. So medicate, feel good about it and move it along. Yes sugar is the new culinary boogeyman, but it doesn’t have to be if we are just a little bit smarter and healthier about what we consume. Food is ALWAYS going to be the central piece to health, but it also a connection to our lives, our cultures, our histories and even our future as humans. Who would want to let that go?

“Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.”

Dr. Brene Brown

Part of my wonderful journey with cannabis was the awakening to the ability I gained to plug into my intimate partners and the larger world around me. And honestly it started with reacquainting myself with ME. I have been in a wonderful relationship for 4 almost 5 years with my wife JT. We, as so many couples met on good ole Craigslist (thanks and we had a connection that we infinite and deep from the start. Maybe something in my wild gemini heart called to her eccentric aquarian soul but it clicked, and so did we.

Fast forward a handful of years later and through all the struggles that most couple encounter; I came to the realization that I have forgotten how to be me. To cause catalytic changes and growth because of my innate powers of empathy, love and #blackgirlmagic and I was become the one thing I never want to be the ‘angry black woman’. I know that my joy is found in the place of the divine feminine and that is flows through my creative, my authenticity, my vulnerability, my softness and magic. That which gets blocked when I am not living in any of those truths. I had not been living in that truth for quite some time and as with all things that get bottled up, eventually it has to be resolved or it will implode. Suddenly I was drowning, in my own hubris, in my own fear and my inability to stand in truth.

I didn’t know which way was up of down and as the waves of insecurity, guilt and judgement washed over me almost becoming too much to bear, I realized that I (we) needed help navigating this. I was dosing much more heavily then what I would normally just to cope with the overwhelming thought of the journey I was about to undertake. This journey would implore me to be brutally honest with myself and my partners. And that was scary as hell, being seen and vulnerable as much as I preached it, I wasn’t practicing it. As Dr. Brene Browne puts it vulnerability is defined as “uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.” Brené says that “vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy and creativity. No wonder I was feeling sagnant, stuck and just plain ‘meh’ about life. I wasnt risking a damn thing! I was going with the flow, comfortable in my relationship, being okay not being seen or trusting my partners to risk “emotional exposure”.

There is this song that I like by Amber Marks it is called ‘Love me Right’ in part the lyrics say:

Because the drive it is alive and honey, it is calling you
And I’m numb, you’re tryna hide it, baby, I need more from you
So could you please respond to me because I’ll never understand
I give you the keys and while you gladly take ’em you, don’t use them

You tell me all the time, baby
I’m the light in your life
And you love me more each day
You are starting to drive me crazy
Why won’t you realise you gotta love me right, baby

Couple holding hands on beach
Photo courtesy of Valentin Antonucci

We all carry around this Disney-fied version of what love and romance is supposed to be; that we will fall in love and this person will be our ONE true love and they will automatically know how to love us and we will ride off into the sunset in a horse and carriage (or maybe a motorcycle or a boat…Haha!) But no matter what they will inherently know how to “love us right”. That isn’t the case for me, and we often assume that our partners have this extraordinary powers to read our minds. What does love me right mean, anyway!?! I thought that I understood it but I realized that I didn’t and the search for that showed me 5 things:

  • I had to get back to being and loving me, which meant pursuing my passions, being creative, taking care of my health physically, mentally and spiritually and not being afraid to share those crunchy bits with the world. #selflove
  • No checked bags on this flight; which meant I was not responsible for other peoples feelings or of helping them cope with how they felt because of their own trauma. I am no responsible for baggage lost on the flight. #sorrynotsorry #boundries
  • Standing in my truth fully and as genuinely as possible no matter the outcome or consequence. Never compromising on what my intuition is telling me I need. I named her the the soul calling. #vulnerability
  • Partaking of my doses were helpful in keeping my on track with my accountability, opening up more freely, letting go of the small stuff and also allowing me to confront my own deep fears and fuck ups and take responsibility for them. #accountability
  • Practice #gratitude. I know I can be a handful, I am not easy to love. And not in the way you think, I am a catalyst and when with me and I am strolling on the path of my soul calling; it will force you to step up or step out. So I thank my partners everyday that they choose me because there are easier fish in the sea (but none as worth it as me) and pray that we continue to choose each other for as long as we desire so.

Those 5 things (self-love, boundaries, vulnerability, accountability and gratitude) were how I realized how to LOVE ME RIGHT. It wasn’t about my partners, it was about me. We are always looking to validate how we are feeling through the barometer of other people but that ‘connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.’ So we must sow the seeds and being able to not only verbalize but demonstrate when needed to our beloveds how we want to be treated and loved by setting up the greatest and most fulfilling love of all, the one for ourselves.

A people without the knowledge of their past history, origin and culture is like a tree without roots.

Marcus Garvey

Okay, so what can I say? Im opinionated, verbally gifted so why not make that into a blog, right? Haha! I don’t even know what Im doing! Surprise, surprise it ain’t as easy as it seems. Yeah all the thoughts I have in a day could fill up volumes and volumes of leather bound books. But what is the purpose of just stringing words together with nothing to REALLY say? So I will use my voice, my view to hopefully bond, create a space and make a change.

So I guess I will start in the beginning. I mean that is where we all start from, we all have a history, a time line that isn’t tied to Facebook or Instagram. I was born and raised till I was nine years old in New York City. The Bronx to be exact (BX stand up…ha!) As I look back on my cannabis journey I realize that it has touched me directly and indirectly in so many way over the years that I never even realized it. (20/20, right?) My bio Mom was not a part of my life and growing up. My Dad had full custody of my brother and I from when I was very little. But I distinctly remember hearing whispers of a ‘lack of good judgement’, deviant behavior, (she smoked weed) vagrant lifestyle (no stable home) and questionable company (she hung out with free thinkers and artists) when it came to my bio Mom. Being little it just never seemed like they really had anything nice to say about her. So this was my framing, my viewpoint of her even without the opportunity to have her own autonomy and defense.

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My bio Mom was a free thinker, an against the grain woman a maverick, a rebel who had kids a little too young. (She was 18 when she had me, my Dad was the ripe old age of 21) All of this adjectives to describe her were ultimately the things that left us without a mother for a while; and me with questions until this very day. And even now not having any contact or ties to her I still am motivated to see which of those adjectives were passed down to me from her. I feel it in my spirit in my center that we are more alike now more then ever! Especially as I continue to use cannabis to expand my mind, spirit and history to confront those traumas that I hid for so long. #badbitchstatus

As I have traversed my own journey of womanhood; from young girl, ingenue and now almost 4 decades and motherhood, I can understand my bio Mom (and my Mother) and hell even other women so much better. Learning to live life on my own terms, not with anyone else’s expectation but my own; being messy, disagreed with, strong, vulnerable, flawed and beautifully magnificent. Maybe that was my bio Mom? I mean I had Danny at 27, I couldn’t imagine being responsible for a little human being when I was 18?!? What a horribly scary thought! It was hella scary at 27…whoa! She was a 22 year old with 2 kids under 4 years old trying to navigate her own life while being a wife and caring for 2 children that I am not 100 percent convinced she even wanted. But here I am and I am grateful for the universal alignment that created and brought me forth (shout out to Oshun!) Now as a mother myself, I know what it is like to walk a path that others may feel is wrong or unorthodox, now that I am becoming more comfortable with marching to the beat of my own drum I can appreciate my history and use it to inform my present and my future I can see the beauty and the struggle of my unique human experience. I am not perfect, I never will be but goddammit I am genuinely ME and that says a lot!

Photo credit @el_mariot