thegreenbkr

Talking to my tribe today on more then one occasion within that day I found myself having conversations around the word JOY. It was serendipitous that this 3 letter word was on the minds of those around me, because I was truly feeling it and actively manifesting it everyday. Feeling joy can be tantamount to our self care and also self identity especially for the community I identify with (queer, black, kinky and polyamorous) To be a minority, within a minority, within a minority (yeah imagine how I feel…ha!) the small victories that affirm and validate who you are can be the single most exuberant experience of your life. But alas that doesn’t happen everyday, so how do we cultivate, multiply and share our JOY?

With so many legitimate reasons for Black women to feel despair about the world, sharing light moments is a distinctive, even radical choice — and it may be why “Black joy” has resonated with so many.

Ayana Lage – What Black Joy Means to 7 Black Women

In this day and age of division, divisiveness and all around bad news it can seem almost impossible to create and foster the ability to see joy in life’s everyday trial and tribulations. Which is why I enjoyed this article from Bustle about how black women viewed JOY and what it meant to them in their personal experiences. How do you experience or foster joy? This was a question that I asked myself after reading this article. There were things that I could relate to reading the perspectives of each of the women from religion, family and even celebrating successes but there was something that for me was very personal in searching my own soul.

My wife loves to watch reality TV, haha. She is kind of addicted to it. I don’t really care for it, but I will now and again indulge with her and try to follow the ever more dramatic story lines from shows like “Love and Hip Hop”, “Real Housewives” and “Braxton Family Values”. Aside from being at minimum a guilty pleasure, it also gives the viewers a inside vision of what relationships between black women can be. The (mostly) good, the (sometimes) bad and the ugly. And through this I realized that we as black women have a horrible track record with our sisters and the manifestation of that is now on display for everyone’s entertainment. Part of Black Girl Magic is finding and fostering Black Joy but how can we do that when our own ties are frayed? Myself personally I have always had good relationships with other women because I had models of that at home. My Mom and aunt were always reaffirming and building each other up, my many Buddhist “mothers in faith” who were the epitome of perseverance, cheer and winning; showed me examples of creating valuable relationships no matter how challenging. But what if you never had those models. How do you learn to ‘be your sister’s keeper’?

As with everything it starts with US! How can I expect to know how to make those that oppress us respect and honor our lives if we cant do it for each other? How can we embrace our natural gifts, talents and skills if we are always looking down at others and their talents that are different then ours? When will be realize that my black girl magic is equal and in proportion to my sister’s black joy? They are not only one and the same but they are contingent on each other. I always loved the phrase “Your vibe attracts your tribe”, yeah I know VERY hippie of me LOL! But this is truth and I experience it everyday! When I make space to rejoice and foster my tribe’s joy my joy in turn is doubled. And that positive vibration continues to reverberate and thereby attracting even more of the same wavelength to crescendo into a tsunami of joy. So imagine if we all did this? Imagine that we are reverberated and multiplied this Black Joy wave to engulf the world not only in a hashtag #blackjoy or #blackgirlmagic but in a seismic shift felt by our culture and our generation. Now THAT is the real MAGICK of a black girl.

So whats wrong with smoking a little cannabis, or eating a infused cookie? So many parents are now beginning to understand the benefits of cannabis in their personal parenting routine. I know that I have. Life is difficult and having the added responsibilities of children, career and allowing for personal relationships leave a finite amount of time for self care as a parent. After giving birth to my son and not knowing what was going to happen with him or even with myself I felt the weight of new motherhood on my shoulders. Anxiety, guilt, doubt and worry were my only companions. It was not a fun time. I couldn’t be present for him as I wanted to be since inevitably all of my energy was expended in feeding those devilish functions.

“Only those who’re high on the herb can truly appreciate Marley. Lean back, enjoy life and really listen to him. ‘…every little thing gonna be alright…

― A.K. Kuykendall

I was listening to this podcast the other day called Unerased: The history of conversion therapy in America. The episode in particular highlighting the Mama Bears, they are a group of moms who would step in when a LGBTQ person needed a parent and they had been disown by their own families. That was so powerful! Not only was the child honored and accepted but the Mama’s were able to feel fulfilled and hopeful in helping others in a time of need.

We canna moms need groups like that! I mean to be completely accepted, seen and honored not as a bad parent or having questionable morals, but as a evolving person doing the best that we can, as a woman (or parent, cause this goes for Dad’s, step-parents, hell any type of caregiver really!) still trying to hold on to some semblance of who they are; all while nurturing a whole other being. I needed to understand that I have tools at my disposal; tools that when used correctly make me the BEST parent! Community is one of those tools, so is cannabis. Comradeship is a great way to combat loneliness, depression, stigma and all other manners of attacks that we undergo on a daily basis. There are some forums out there, I wont name them because I understand the need for discretion and also anonymity. Currently there are parents that are scared of child protective services taking their children because of their responsible cannabis consumption. I am so disheartened to hear that and it should not be like that, just as millions shouldn’t be incarcerated because of the plant. But that is a whole nother blog post.

But you know what? Do that goggle search! Start talking about responsible consumption with other moms, dads, family members and friends. Make it a part of the lexicon, and not just something to whisper in ears and behind closed doors in hushed conversations. As the saying goes nothing in the dark can be addressed. So lets bring this wonderful medicine into the light, lets share candidly and openly about our experiences and how it has helped. Even if one tired, overstretched parent gets a good chuckle or a moment to feel connected and human again, then our job is done.

I am changing the conversations and also assumptions we have about people who smoke (especially caregivers), will you join in on making the movement better. The more variety of life stories we see, the better; the more experiences we allow in the space the better. Holding a sacred space for those conversations are paramount to the de-stigmatization and acceptance of caregiver use of cannabis. The more united we can become. We are never as alone as we think we are. If we only look at what divides us then we will NEVER have time to see what actually makes us all the same, and isn’t that what the man wants?!?

I explore using cannabis as a tool for my sexual pleasure and fulfillment and for other people’s enjoyment, as well. BDSM is a tool to alter your consciousness. It takes you to a different place, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Pot is just like that. You have to know how to use it, and you have to use it wisely. When used the right way, it’s great tool for play in their mind and their body.

Mistress Matisse- How the BDSM community integrates cannabis into Kink

I have always be a naturally curious and exploratory type person. There isn’t much that scares me when it come to trying new things, being open to diving into a new adventure or creating a space to walk along the “wild” side. BDSM has always been something I desired to explore and know more about. But I also knew that this would not be a journey I undertook alone.

From very young I was always strong willed, independent and prideful. I like to move to the beat of my own drum (even if I didn’t understand or know the beat). I wasn’t afraid to move against the grain. I had joked with some friends of mine that I lived in the ‘burbs on the city of BDSM, cause I wasn’t sure how to move into the city called Kink. Besides dabbling in the usual spanking, hair pulling and name calling I had not taken the full plunge off the deep end. Where do you go? Who has the map? But most importantly, will there be snacks?!?! I was confronted with the ENTIRE world before me but could not get my head wrapped around how to get started. Along this time my recreational cannabis use was normal. Nothing to crazy, I enjoyed it, had my fun when I could. One thing I did know is that stoned sex was the BEST sex and so it cemented in my head that if I were to ever go down that path cannabis would inevitable be a part of that journey.

BDSM + WEED = HAPPY

So when I found my Sir (Dominate) the one who would hold my hand and take me lovingly on this journey of exploration, I was appalled that he would not allow me to do so while stoned. I couldn’t understand why he would take away something that I felt didn’t impede me, but actually opened my mind and body to whole new sensations. Being a chronic overthinking and perpetual Type A personality, cannabis helped me to quite some of the chatter in my head and just be in the moment with what was going on. To feel completely relaxed, engaged and connected to my Sir was my only desire. Within the BDSM community safety and consent are paramount so there are some that believe that being under the influence of cannabis is being intoxicated and therefore you cannot safely consent to what will be happening as you play. But reading the article ‘How the BDSM community integrates cannabis into kink‘ by Sophie Saint Thomas I see I’m not alone in my feeling of being able to use the mind and body high to bring my kink to a whole new level. Just having the ability to no longer worry about what others were thinking, how I would be viewed, the embarrassment of my body and all of those self sabotaging messages gone; I am simply a woman who is channeling my need for control and pain to elevate my mind.

While sitting on a cloudy day in a Parisian style cafe called Voo La Voo in Wilton Manors, eating delicious crepes; I discussed this very topic with my Sir to see if his views had changed. ‘There will and are so many people that look down on people that use while playing’, he said. I internally had to agree with him. The stigma of cannabis use as a drug is still prevalent and so it made sense that there are people who still believe it is a drug, point blank period. But I had to bring up to him (also to myself) that the societal acceptance of cannabis use as a medication and also for responsible recreation is changing and the kink world should take heed of that. While societal norms are changing shouldn’t the world of BDSM too? He seemed perplexed that I would still write this post. But to me like everything, representation matters and if I can be a voice for others or a example of how things are evolving then I will be. I take that challenge seriously, and hope that others will too when it comes to showing up in spaces that are hesitant to open up. And as we finished our raspberry crepes I felt the warm glow of indica embrace me and the topic seemed to change, but I knew it would all be alright.

Long ago in a galaxy far far away…..ahem let me stop playing. But seriously it was a REALLY LONG time ago I had a blog called Black Orchids and Fireflies. It was my first attempt at blogging and honestly I didn’t even really know if it was my JUSH. Ironically I was reminded of it from a ex lovers email, she stated “Angie I just finished the postings on black orchids and fireflies. Wow!  I now have a clearer insight to you.” to which I replied almost rudely, “Really? It is surprising that a blog I had almost 4 years ago would offer you insight into who I am…I never thought that there was anything of significance in it honestly I didn’t dedicate enough time for that.”

My ‘blog’ was started back in 2011. My son was 3 years old and I was once again exploring my creative side. I figured I like talking, I use to write, so why not start a blog?!? I had just broken up with a new lover and it seemed like the appropriate time for artistic catharsis. I went back looking for it and couldn’t even find it today. But I am sure it had some pretty love heavy, romantic, idealized version of myself, who I was at that time. It was offensive to me when she wrote about ‘having insight into my mind’ because I was no longer THAT person. I was different. I had just finished the journey of figuring out I was polyamorous and made an agreement with myself that I was no longer going to live happily deceived or feeling defective because I didn’t reside in this neat little box called monogamy. And that I was willing to work and fight to be who I truly was no matter what. That was scary AF and not to mention a little daunting.

What is polyamory?

“A great many people do believe that to be single is to be somehow incomplete and that they need to find the other half. […] We believe, [polyamorist] on the other hand, that the fundamental sexual unit is one person. Adding more people to that unit may be intimate, fun and companionable, but does not complete anybody.” 

Dossie Easton, The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love

According to Websters dictionary polyamory is the practice of engaging in multiple sexual relationships with the consent of all the people involved. But I personally don’t agree with that definition completely and I would say for me polyamory is the ability and willingness to engage and foster intimate relationships with consent of all people involved. You notice that neither in the Websters definition nor in mine did it state a number. Because the number of partners is relative, and in mine sex doesn’t denote a relationship. Being poly is something that is very much a part of who I am, especially as I have learned more about myself, what my desires and needs are and also what I want my future to look like. I know what polyamory isn’t for everyone and that is OK. As along the same vein monogamy isn’t for everyone either no one way is right or wrong.

In a recent study by Kelly Cookson and independent academic he states, “It appears that sexually non-monogamous couples in the United States number in the millions.” So if these numbers are in the millions and it is comprised of polyamorous couples, swinging couples, gay male couples, and other sexually non-monogamous couples, then shouldn’t we be acknowledging and talking about this wide spread phenomenon? Well we are…sort of. With shows like Sister wives, Polyamory: Married and Dating and Sense8 media outlets are showing other forms of relationship styles which has pushed polyamory into the circle of discourse. Do they always get it right? MEH. But what I like is that it gets people thinking, discussing and hopefully maybe self reflecting.

My Own Journey

Becoming poly wasn’t a overnight occurrence it took a lot of freaking soul searching, honesty to myself and to others and also faith in myself; but also in finding people who thought the same as me. When I took myself out of the majority of monogamy and monogamy-ish life it left me feeling little bit paralyzed. How do you find your tribe? Your community? How do you educate and enlighten yourself to better gain a understanding of what being poly even means to you? All of these questions swirled in my head. Now let me back track, I have NEVER been great at monogamy. Being completely honest I was actually really, really horrible at it. I would tell half truths, I would hid what I really felt or thought to not upset the status quo, I engaged in relationships that were never really for me all because I feared being alone and I was constantly being fed this narrative that I was ‘supposed’ to be boo’d up. It lead to heartbreak, disappointments, time and energy wasted all because I could not be honest and strong enough to look for something else. After many years of having FWB relationships and still feeling empty and a lack of intimacy I decided that I needed to change, hell I WANTED to change.

I had been in a open three way relationship with a husband and wife for almost a decade a few years prior to my journey and reflecting on that time. I remember being so happy, feeling fulfilled, free and completely at ease which, I believe, is why it was my longest relationship. We all had the freedom to come and go as we pleased but there were still commitments made to each other that bound us as family. There was a nucleus, a home to come to when you needed to reassess. I watched their kids grow up, I had a son of my own while with them and they helped me, birthdays, anniversaries, happy times and even sad times were double. I never felt alone or confined to being something or someone I wasn’t. They loved me and I loved them plain and simple. So as I am thinking about doing things different I remember how fantastic that time was and I wanted to explore that again. But first it was time to educate myself. I didn’t know any terminology, or even how to explain how I felt inside.

Reading is fundamental

These two books were really the beginning of my awakening, my proper education into what I already felt in my heart and now my mind. I gobbled up everything I could ingest about the new world of polyamory. It just all made sense to me. I found myself devouring every bit of knowledge because it was not only validating how I was feeling but for the first time I was feeling SEEN! It was amazing to be able to put names to emotions, to pin point parts of myself I needed to work on and most importantly to know what I wasn’t alone; that there were others who felt this way and there was a successful method to live authentically and fully in this truth. It didn’t matter that others may not understand you. The most important thing was to be honest no matter how it was received. What exhilaration it gave me the more I learned, the more I explored. It was like seeing life in a whole new light. Now just like Neo in the Matrix, I was awake and could not go back to sleep. I knew that I needed to be honest and dig deep to stay on this path that was in front of me.

Community is everything

Being awaken to your true self can be a really sort of complicated thing. At first it seems okay and even exciting. Your mindset is new and free, you can see things more clearly and the adventure is underway. But the other key competent to this journey is community. It is all well and good if all this growth was just internal and you didn’t have or need to interact with others. But like any good growth you need to have a community to lean on, to use as support when the going gets rough and to encourage you when you want to give up your path. Thank goodness for the INTERNETS, for without this wonderful invention I think a lot of us within the margins of society would be wandering aimlessly without a home. LOL! But because of this glorious connection I was able to find my wider poly tribe in the Black & Poly community. They looked just like me and loved in the same way that I did! Talk about a double dose of awesome! Here is where I learned about the types of poly, what specific challenges we faced as black people trying to love fearlessly and free, and just having a space where we could talk with a bit of shorthand about the ups and downs of polyamory from a black standpoint. I also found mentors, friends and confidantes within the walls of that group that helped in so many ways as I stumbled, crawled and tripped being a new poly baby. Now it wasn’t always pretty this journey, but they made me feel loved and seen no matter what was going on. And helped me to understand that I was worthy of love (in the way that I needed it) no matter the mistakes and missteps. And for that I am grateful always to that community.

I now have been fully immersed in the poly love style for 7 years now and as life continues to flow I am shown time and time again that I made the right decision for me. I now have a wife that I adore and who makes me feel seen and loved crunchy bits and all, a long distance girlfriend who I am proud to be a emotional support and love to as she continues to evolve into the beautiful queen she is meant to be and a boyfriend who is the newest addition to the gang but was a disruptor, my game changer who made to reaffirm the promises I made to myself. They each bring something to my life that I might not ever had experienced. They are each their own person and CHOOSE to share this life and journey with me and it is fabulous! And isnt that what we are put on this planet to do not just be a hashtag living our best life, but ACTUALLY doing it?

Anyone who’s a chef, who loves food, ultimately knows that all that matters is: ‘Is it good? Does it give pleasure?’

-Anthony Bourdain

The Green Baker’s initial mission was to bring the recreational, medicinal and social use of cannabis into the mainstream by way to FOOD. Food is the one thing we can all agree on whether we are on the left or the right of the debate of the use of cannabis, it is no denying that when anyone offers you good food there is no divide.

Food and I have had a varied and sometimes torrid love affair. I can remember from my earliest memories food always being a central and intrinsically part of my life. I grew up with a grandmother with southern roots in a melting pot of a city, NYC. So it made for some interesting food options; from the bean pies and fried fish up in Harlem; to the slices I shared with my granddad when we would go on our bargain shopping trips in Manhattan. Food was always there and GOOD food at that! Ha!

My grandmother would make her delicious coconut cake and steamed cabbage with fried chicken for Sunday after church dinners (we were Baptist so all that black hymn ‘sanging’ made you REALLY hungry). She would force me to eat the wet soggy vegetable and after much chagrin I would just so I could get to that heavenly coconut cake (maybe that is where my coconut obsession is rooted) Because of this I have never really been fond of cabbage, but after my own culinary training I have struck a happy balance with this veggie (mostly because of bacon) and now I can tolerate it. Desserts were always the shiny prize, the reward for adult-ing and getting through the soggy mess of the day that is life sometimes.

Now in my current version of my love affair with food, I am trying to find a happy balance. I am a true lover of food so being a phat gurl I knew that restricting and ‘punishing’ myself for this love would never work. I am a fan of things that bond that unite and food is just one of those things. My faith is so strong that I made my whole career around that belief, I had to not only reframe how I looked at food but how I could consume the things I loved in a healthier way.

When it came time to decide how to navigate the cannabis ingestion medium I knew that SWEETS were where it was at! What a better way to reward ourselves for getting through a difficult day and to feel good then with a decadent chocolate brownie or cookie laced with that good ole MaryJane? And not to mention the possibilities were endless; from chocolates and candies to cakes and pies, my culinary wheels were spinning from the beginning.

Sweets nowadays are not just for the kids (or the inner kids) in our lives, with the advent of such great alternate sweeteners so readily available in our local grocery stores; it has been fun experimenting and trying out how to put a new school spin on some great classics like carrot cake, chocolate chip cookies, banana bread and others. So i take the things that collectively unite us and with my magical unicorn culinary powers I make them healthier and more balanced to fit into a proportional eating habit. So medicate, feel good about it and move it along. Yes sugar is the new culinary boogeyman, but it doesn’t have to be if we are just a little bit smarter and healthier about what we consume. Food is ALWAYS going to be the central piece to health, but it also a connection to our lives, our cultures, our histories and even our future as humans. Who would want to let that go?

“Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.”

Dr. Brene Brown

Part of my wonderful journey with cannabis was the awakening to the ability I gained to plug into my intimate partners and the larger world around me. And honestly it started with reacquainting myself with ME. I have been in a wonderful relationship for 4 almost 5 years with my wife JT. We, as so many couples met on good ole Craigslist (thanks Craig..lol) and we had a connection that we infinite and deep from the start. Maybe something in my wild gemini heart called to her eccentric aquarian soul but it clicked, and so did we.

Fast forward a handful of years later and through all the struggles that most couple encounter; I came to the realization that I have forgotten how to be me. To cause catalytic changes and growth because of my innate powers of empathy, love and #blackgirlmagic and I was become the one thing I never want to be the ‘angry black woman’. I know that my joy is found in the place of the divine feminine and that is flows through my creative, my authenticity, my vulnerability, my softness and magic. That which gets blocked when I am not living in any of those truths. I had not been living in that truth for quite some time and as with all things that get bottled up, eventually it has to be resolved or it will implode. Suddenly I was drowning, in my own hubris, in my own fear and my inability to stand in truth.

I didn’t know which way was up of down and as the waves of insecurity, guilt and judgement washed over me almost becoming too much to bear, I realized that I (we) needed help navigating this. I was dosing much more heavily then what I would normally just to cope with the overwhelming thought of the journey I was about to undertake. This journey would implore me to be brutally honest with myself and my partners. And that was scary as hell, being seen and vulnerable as much as I preached it, I wasn’t practicing it. As Dr. Brene Browne puts it vulnerability is defined as “uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.” Brené says that “vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy and creativity. No wonder I was feeling sagnant, stuck and just plain ‘meh’ about life. I wasnt risking a damn thing! I was going with the flow, comfortable in my relationship, being okay not being seen or trusting my partners to risk “emotional exposure”.

There is this song that I like by Amber Marks it is called ‘Love me Right’ in part the lyrics say:

Because the drive it is alive and honey, it is calling you
And I’m numb, you’re tryna hide it, baby, I need more from you
So could you please respond to me because I’ll never understand
I give you the keys and while you gladly take ’em you, don’t use them

[Chorus]
You tell me all the time, baby
I’m the light in your life
And you love me more each day
You are starting to drive me crazy
Why won’t you realise you gotta love me right, baby

We all carry around this Disney-fied version of what love and romance is supposed to be; that we will fall in love and this person will be our ONE true love and they will automatically know how to love us and we will ride off into the sunset in a horse and carriage (or maybe a motorcycle or a boat…Haha!) But no matter what they will inherently know how to “love us right”. That isn’t the case for me, and we often assume that our partners have this extraordinary powers to read our minds. What does love me right mean, anyway!?! I thought that I understood it but I realized that I didn’t and the search for that showed me 5 things:

• I had to get back to being and loving me, which meant pursuing my passions, being creative, taking care of my health physically, mentally and spiritually and not being afraid to share those crunchy bits with the world. #selflove
• No checked bags on this flight; which meant I was not responsible for other peoples feelings or of helping them cope with how they felt because of their own trauma. I am no responsible for baggage lost on the flight. #sorrynotsorry #boundries
• Standing in my truth fully and as genuinely as possible no matter the outcome or consequence. Never compromising on what my intuition is telling me I need. I named her the the soul calling. #vulnerability
• Partaking of my doses were helpful in keeping my on track with my accountability, opening up more freely, letting go of the small stuff and also allowing me to confront my own deep fears and fuck ups and take responsibility for them. #accountability
• Practice #gratitude. I know I can be a handful, I am not easy to love. And not in the way you think, I am a catalyst and when with me and I am strolling on the path of my soul calling; it will force you to step up or step out. So I thank my partners everyday that they choose me because there are easier fish in the sea (but none as worth it as me) and pray that we continue to choose each other for as long as we desire so.

Those 5 things (self-love, boundaries, vulnerability, accountability and gratitude) were how I realized how to LOVE ME RIGHT. It wasn’t about my partners, it was about me. We are always looking to validate how we are feeling through the barometer of other people but that ‘connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.’ So we must sow the seeds and being able to not only verbalize but demonstrate when needed to our beloveds how we want to be treated and loved by setting up the greatest and most fulfilling love of all, the one for ourselves.

A people without the knowledge of their past history, origin and culture is like a tree without roots.

Marcus Garvey

Okay, so what can I say? Im opinionated, verbally gifted so why not make that into a blog, right? Haha! I don’t even know what Im doing! Surprise, surprise it ain’t as easy as it seems. Yeah all the thoughts I have in a day could fill up volumes and volumes of leather bound books. But what is the purpose of just stringing words together with nothing to REALLY say? So I will use my voice, my view to hopefully bond, create a space and make a change.

So I guess I will start in the beginning. I mean that is where we all start from, we all have a history, a time line that isn’t tied to Facebook or Instagram. I was born and raised till I was nine years old in New York City. The Bronx to be exact (BX stand up…ha!) As I look back on my cannabis journey I realize that it has touched me directly and indirectly in so many way over the years that I never even realized it. (20/20, right?) My bio Mom was not a part of my life and growing up. My Dad had full custody of my brother and I from when I was very little. But I distinctly remember hearing whispers of a ‘lack of good judgement’, deviant behavior, (she smoked weed) vagrant lifestyle (no stable home) and questionable company (she hung out with free thinkers and artists) when it came to my bio Mom. Being little it just never seemed like they really had anything nice to say about her. So this was my framing, my viewpoint of her even without the opportunity to have her own autonomy and defense.

My bio Mom was a free thinker, an against the grain woman a maverick, a rebel who had kids a little too young. (She was 18 when she had me, my Dad was the ripe old age of 21) All of this adjectives to describe her were ultimately the things that left us without a mother for a while; and me with questions until this very day. And even now not having any contact or ties to her I still am motivated to see which of those adjectives were passed down to me from her. I feel it in my spirit in my center that we are more alike now more then ever! Especially as I continue to use cannabis to expand my mind, spirit and history to confront those traumas that I hid for so long. #badbitchstatus

As I have traversed my own journey of womanhood; from young girl, ingenue and now almost 4 decades and motherhood, I can understand my bio Mom (and my Mother) and hell even other women so much better. Learning to live life on my own terms, not with anyone else’s expectation but my own; being messy, disagreed with, strong, vulnerable, flawed and beautifully magnificent. Maybe that was my bio Mom? I mean I had Danny at 27, I couldn’t imagine being responsible for a little human being when I was 18?!? What a horribly scary thought! It was hella scary at 27…whoa! She was a 22 year old with 2 kids under 4 years old trying to navigate her own life while being a wife and caring for 2 children that I am not 100 percent convinced she even wanted. But here I am and I am grateful for the universal alignment that created and brought me forth (shout out to Oshun!) Now as a mother myself, I know what it is like to walk a path that others may feel is wrong or unorthodox, now that I am becoming more comfortable with marching to the beat of my own drum I can appreciate my history and use it to inform my present and my future I can see the beauty and the struggle of my unique human experience. I am not perfect, I never will be but goddammit I am genuinely ME and that says a lot!