Her-story, the inner journey

A people without the knowledge of their past history, origin and culture is like a tree without roots.

Marcus Garvey

Okay, so what can I say? Im opinionated, verbally gifted so why not make that into a blog, right? Haha! I don’t even know what Im doing! Surprise, surprise it ain’t as easy as it seems. Yeah all the thoughts I have in a day could fill up volumes and volumes of leather bound books. But what is the purpose of just stringing words together with nothing to REALLY say? So I will use my voice, my view to hopefully bond, create a space and make a change.

So I guess I will start in the beginning. I mean that is where we all start from, we all have a history, a time line that isn’t tied to Facebook or Instagram. I was born and raised till I was nine years old in New York City. The Bronx to be exact (BX stand up…ha!) As I look back on my cannabis journey I realize that it has touched me directly and indirectly in so many way over the years that I never even realized it. (20/20, right?) My bio Mom was not a part of my life and growing up. My Dad had full custody of my brother and I from when I was very little. But I distinctly remember hearing whispers of a ‘lack of good judgement’, deviant behavior, (she smoked weed) vagrant lifestyle (no stable home) and questionable company (she hung out with free thinkers and artists) when it came to my bio Mom. Being little it just never seemed like they really had anything nice to say about her. So this was my framing, my viewpoint of her even without the opportunity to have her own autonomy and defense.

Photo credit by: www.desotophotography.net

My bio Mom was a free thinker, an against the grain woman a maverick, a rebel who had kids a little too young. (She was 18 when she had me, my Dad was the ripe old age of 21) All of this adjectives to describe her were ultimately the things that left us without a mother for a while; and me with questions until this very day. And even now not having any contact or ties to her I still am motivated to see which of those adjectives were passed down to me from her. I feel it in my spirit in my center that we are more alike now more then ever! Especially as I continue to use cannabis to expand my mind, spirit and history to confront those traumas that I hid for so long. #badbitchstatus

As I have traversed my own journey of womanhood; from young girl, ingenue and now almost 4 decades and motherhood, I can understand my bio Mom (and my Mother) and hell even other women so much better. Learning to live life on my own terms, not with anyone else’s expectation but my own; being messy, disagreed with, strong, vulnerable, flawed and beautifully magnificent. Maybe that was my bio Mom? I mean I had Danny at 27, I couldn’t imagine being responsible for a little human being when I was 18?!? What a horribly scary thought! It was hella scary at 27…whoa! She was a 22 year old with 2 kids under 4 years old trying to navigate her own life while being a wife and caring for 2 children that I am not 100 percent convinced she even wanted. But here I am and I am grateful for the universal alignment that created and brought me forth (shout out to Oshun!) Now as a mother myself, I know what it is like to walk a path that others may feel is wrong or unorthodox, now that I am becoming more comfortable with marching to the beat of my own drum I can appreciate my history and use it to inform my present and my future I can see the beauty and the struggle of my unique human experience. I am not perfect, I never will be but goddammit I am genuinely ME and that says a lot!

Photo credit @el_mariot

Leave a Reply